Sweet revenge
by Oblivian03
Summary: Some kind never forgive. Some kind never forget. Which is exactly what Dwalin finds out. For prompt (again). Should give you a few laughs (hopefully). Two shot (it's decided).
1. First

**You all know the drill; I don't own the Hobbit.**

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**Alright, this may or may not be a two-shot. That depends on the responses I get for this. So in the meantime it is just a humorous one-shot from a prompt by So-Sings-Nightingales; part or all the company pranking Dwalin. It's alright I suppose, and I hope you like it. And some of the credit goes to one of my friends who helped come up with several of the ideas.**

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**Chapter 1: First**

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When he got up that morning, he knew something was wrong. How could he not with practically all the company stifling their laughter at the sight of him, or most of the company anyway. Still, after a quick check in the reflective metal of his axe when no one was looking, he could not determine the reason why such behaviour was directed at him. His beard and hair were free of dainty flowers, his face from strangely shaped grim or dirt. It was as if everyone was in on something that he was not. Dwalin resolved to keep a close eye on the two youngest of the company so that they did not try anything funny.

The company's strange mood remained throughout the whole time they were preparing to continue on with the journey for the day. It took ages for Dwalin to locate one of his boots, having taken them off and placing them on the bank so he could wade in the nearby stream to retrieve Kili's knife which Ori had accidently dropped when the former dwarf had snuck up on him and scared the timid scribe.

The brunette had been forbidden, by his uncle no less, to fetch the weapon, with all the company remembering the disastrous scenario the last time he and his brother had come into contact with a large body of water. There was no way in Mahal that any of them would be letting Fili and Kili near the running water, let alone in it. So the axe fell upon Dwalin to retrieve the company archer's knife through him pulling the short straw. He hated getting his feet wet.

And so it was that when the burly warrior finally found his missing boot, it was filled with water, having falling halfway into the stream. He had no idea how it had gotten into the stream, let alone several paces from where he had left them. Yet when he looked towards the company, he could not see any potential culprits, and the two most likely ones were in deep conversation with their uncles, or more so listening to him while he explained something inaudible to the pair. Grumbling to himself, he pulled on the soggy boot.

"Ready?" he could hear Thorin asking, as he finally directed them to get going. Dwalin ambled over to where the company archer was walking in time with his brother.

"Your knife," he said bluntly, practically shoving the object into the brunette's hands. The water still sloshing around in his boot was squished uncomfortably by the bottom of his feet.

"Why Dwalin," Kili exclaimed in a pretence of amazement, seeing the warrior's latest fashion statement, "Have you taken to wearing watered-down boots?" It took all the dwarf's resolve not to clock the youth a good one over the head. To make matters worse Fili sniggered by his brother's side.

"I would not have expected something like that from you," Bofur piped up from behind him, picking up on and enjoying Fili and Kili's mood, "I like your innovative idea; one wet, one dry. Very creative."

"Shut up," Dwalin growled, turning to shoot a glare at the offending dwarf, or dwarves really as the three troublemakers around him burst into fits of laughter.

He glared at them all and opened his mouth to say something when Balin, spotting a potential catastrophe, called his brother away.

"Behave," the old dwarf scolded, an action that Dwalin responded to by glaring in the direction of the three laughing dwarfs.

"You do not tell me what to do," he shot back, but he let his suspicions and riled pride go for the time being as per his brother's wishes.

The company wandered on, stopping every now and then so the hobbit and a few of the older dwarves could rest. The latest stop had resulted in several dwarves, including Dwalin, shutting their eyes and sitting back as Bombur prepared a meagre lunch. This had been a mistake on Dwalin's part as the minute he stood he made an acquaintance with the ground a hard way. As the air around him roared with laughter, the red faced dwarf stared down at the laces of his boots to find that they were quite skilfully tied together.

The warrior inhaled deeply with his eyes closed, counted slowly to ten, and reopened his eyes, untying the laces. He had a pretty good idea of who had been the culprit; both of Thorin's nephews had been lingering around; but he did not know whether to blame either one or both of them. Dwalin just assumed he would have to catch them in the act. The problem was that they were too good, having mastering the ability to pull one's leg without being caught years ago.

The pranking now became a sort of game throughout the rest of that day, with the two lads (whom Dwalin would bet his life, his axe and his beard were behind it all) continuing to pull a fast one on the older dwarf. He had found himself wacked with tree branches that came out of nowhere, bugs and leaves dropped on his head from above (which was most likely Kili the dwarf decided), tripped up by a well hidden log in his path, and the pair had even somehow managed to work a frog into his clothes, dropping it down the back of his tunic. That particular one had the entire company in stiches. Each time the pranksters had managed to avoid being caught red-handed by Dwalin, but now that they were setting camp up for the night, it was a whole different matter.

"What are you doing?"

Fili's face was one of pure innocence as he stared down his old mentor.

"Whatever do you mean?" he asked with a voice that fooled no one. Dwalin scowled at him.

"You moved my axe."

"Did I?" Even Dwalin hesitated in his accusation the way the blonde said this.

"Well, if you didn't, it must have been your brother."

"But I've been here the whole time!" Kili called up from across the camp.

This heated debate had started out when Dwalin had caught a glimpse of Fili casually drifting towards his chosen weapon. The burly dwarf had been placing it on the ground, only to have it moved the moment he turned his back. And he had finally found the reason why after his initial bewilderment.

"You have not stayed there the entire time," he barked at the brunette. Kili shot him a small frown.

"And you would know that how exactly?" he asked. Dwalin grinned, finally gaining the upper hand.

"Because I saw you move."

Kili stared open mouthed at him for a second before shutting it close with a snap.

"So? You still can't prove I did anything."

Dwalin smiled with great self-assurance.

"And yet you are suddenly so defensive," he remarked almost casually. Fili frowned.

"First you accuse me, and then my brother," the blonde said, "Have you got some grudge against us?" Dwalin was not fooled.

"You two are merely the ones I assume are responsible for my continued bad luck today," he said simply, "It is quite a logical reason with both your histories and all, is it not?"

"I suppose it is," relented Fili somewhat reluctantly.

"But you still can't prove for sure it was us," Kili piped up from across his brother.

The rest of the company watched the burly dwarf continue to try and fail to pin the day's crimes on the troublesome pair. Most watched with amusement, though a few - mainly Thorin, Balin and Dori - watched indifferent between slit eyelids. It seemed like the younger two would win the battle when one of their newer pranks set off prematurely.

Everything stood silent as the water which had drenched Dwalin dripped slowly down the back of his shirt, ice cold and very much uncomfortable.

Fili and Kili's faces paled as the soaked dwarf slowly removed the bucket from his head, his temper finally snapping into a massive rage.

"I take it you two are responsible for this?"

The accused nodded their heads slowly, Fili unconsciously stepping in front of his brother.

"And you were also responsible for the events of today?"

There was no point in knowing and the two brothers knew it, not when Dwalin was in a mood that only Balin or Thorin could quell.

They nodded again.

"That's all I need to know," the warrior said, his eyebrows furrowing together and his eyes gleaming disturbingly. He would never hurt the boys too badly, but he had to deter them from trying to prank him again.

"They weren't our ideas!" Kili cried from behind his brother. Fili nodded vigorously at his side as he sized up the dwarf, wondering if he could take the burly warrior out with his brother.

"Then who's to blame?" Dwalin growled, taking a menacing step towards the pair. The company around was mostly silent as they watched the scene before them unfold.

Kili's eyes flicked to his right and then back to the threat in front of him. Dwalin took the hint and swung round, coming face to chest with his docile brother.

"You," he said with malice, eyeing the older dwarf through narrowed eyes, "You put them up to this."

Balin merely shook his head in the face of his brother's rage, while beside him Thorin eyed his friend and his nephews carefully, judging the scene.

"Not me," he said, "But I did know what was happening."

"The who did it?" Dwalin almost roared, glaring at his brother before turning back towards Fili and Kili. The pair were several paces further away he noted with a cold amusement, both definitely more tense, Fili still in front of his brother who was holding something loosely in his hand.

"The mastermind wasn't Balin," Fili acknowledged carefully, acknowledging with relief the way Gloin and Nori were slowly edging their way towards the dwarf in front of them.

"Then wh-" Suddenly his mind was cleared. Swinging back around, Dwalin's eyes bored holes into the casually retreating back of the dwarf who was now caught up in a conversation with Oin.

"THORIN!" he yelled, his frustration of the day's events finally able to be focused on someone, "Getting your nephew's to do your dirty work now, are you?" The accused dwarf turned slowly to meet his friend, a cold glint in his eyes and an evil smirk upon his lips.

"Then maybe you shouldn't have insulted me last night," he said, speaking in a normal tone. Dwalin frowned at him.

"Calling you determined was not an insult!"

"But calling me paranoid was."

The two stood off, Thorin looking up to the taller dwarf to meet his eyes, but intimidating the burly warrior all the same. Whoever broke their gaze the first would wind up as the loser for it was a test of will, a test Dwalin was not going to lose.

Dwalin broke his gaze first. Thorin smirked and regained his conversation with Oin, but not before he heard the vow of revenge from his old friend's lips.

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**So, what did you think?**


	2. Revenge

**Part two of the prompt for So-Sings-Nightingales. I would have updated sooner, but it was hard coming up with a prank for Dwalin's revenge. Anyhow, here it is.**

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**Chapter 2: Revenge**

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The night was late by the time Dwalin casually wandered up next to his intended targets. Sitting beside them, he made a show of stretching his arms and yawning, having presumably been tired out by the day's so called excitement.

"What do you want?" Fili asked, still unsure of whether the seasoned warrior was still angry at him and his brother or not. Dwalin shot them both a smile which was somewhat unnerving.

"Why, I only came over to congratulate you for executing your practical jokes with such success," he answered, yet, somehow, neither of Thorin's nephews believed him. The dwarf sighed inwardly, knowing that he would have to win them over.

"And why would you do that?" he could hear Kili asking suspiciously. Dwalin opened his eyes wide, feigning innocence.

"Come now, I wold never harm either of you," he said, watching their uncle from the corner of his eye.

"You looked like you were ready to earlier this evening," Fili replied.

"All a slight misunderstanding," Dwalin said, waving the incident off, "You were only obeying your uncle's wishes and I cannot fault you for that."

"You can't?" Kili repeated with no small amount of disbelief, "I mean, we made a fool out of you in front of the entire co-"

"What my brother is trying to say," Fili said quickly, cutting off the brunette, "Is that there is reason for you to still hold a grudge against us for following our uncle's orders."

"But if I were to still be holding a grudge against you, I would not be able to ask what I need of you," Dwalin answered. Both of them regarded him with narrow eyes.

"And what is it that you need?" the blonde inquired. Dwalin grinned.

"Both your assistance in extracting my revenge on your uncle," he said in a clear voice. Both boys in front of him immediately began to stubbornly reject the idea.

"You're asking us to go against our uncle?" Fili said in a tone laced with incredulity.

"He will quite literally murder us if we make a move against him," Kili added, shooting the said dwarf a glance before bringing his head back round to meet Dwalin's eyes.

"No, lads," Dwalin said softly in a voice of conspiracy, "I would only need you to distract him for me. It's innocent enough and he cannot place blame on you for what will unfold."

"So we will play no part in the actual execution of the prank?" Fili asked, wanting to make sure he had heard right. Pulling Dwalin's leg was one thing, pulling his uncle's was another thing entirely. It was more a death sentence to say the least.

"You have my word," Dwalin replied, placing a hand over his heart to show just how sincere his words actually were. The two brothers in front of him looked at each other, assessing the situation, before finally coming to an agreement between themselves.

"Aye," the blonde said, the spokesperson of the two, "We will help, but _only_ to distract our uncle. We will have no part in whatever it is you wish to do to him and will not take part in any consequences that stem from your actions."

"Agreed," the burly warrior across from them said, resisting the urge to let out a great peel of laughter. Fili and Kili smiled up at him, seemingly excited at the prospects of what lay in store for their uncle of whom they found it funny when he was made to look like a fool.

Dwalin clapped his hands together and rubbed them, pleased that his plan for revenge on the company leader was falling into place.

"Now, you only have to distract him for part of the morning, just enough so he isn't paying attention to his surroundings," he informed them, before bidding them a good night and drifting over to where his own brother lay looking up at the stars.

"Whatever you're planning," the white bearded dwarf said almost absently as Dwalin walked past, "It will no doubt either backfire on you or start up something that you cannot finish."

"Quit trying to warn me," Dwalin grunted, refusing to have his joyous mood ruined by the oldest dwarf in the company, "Thorin will get what's coming to him."

"You poke the bear and the bear will not hesitate to swallow you up," Balin informed him. Dwalin rolled his eyes.

"Now you're speaking bits of so called wisdom to me?" he asked, "Just go to sleep so the hobbit and I can keep watch already."

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Balin told him as he heeded his brother's words and curled up underneath his blanket, eyes watching the stars until their lids closed over them.

Dwalin sighed and stretched, looking around to see that every member of the company was asleep save himself and Bilbo. The seasoned warrior stood, hefting his axe and a length of rope up with him.

"What are you doing?" the company burglar asked from the other side of the campfire. Dwalin kept his face straight as he stared the hobbit down.

"Going to check the perimeter around the camp," he replied, beginning to make his way off into the dark of the forest.

"With rope?"

Dwalin stopped short and restrained himself from swearing.

"Aye," he said simply.

"But what for?" the hobbit questioned, refusing to let up.

"I am going to set up a trap as well," Dwalin lied smoothly, "See if I can catch any worthwhile meat for food. I'll check it when we pass by in the morning." Bilbo eyed him suspiciously.

"Why would you not set it up earlier?" he asked. Dwalin shot him a glare.

"Because I was occupied earlier with trying to avoid being caught by Fili and Kili's idea of fun."

"But Thorin was the one to-"

"I know that," Dwalin growled, "And they may have been doing it on his order, but they certainly enjoyed pulling my leg." Bilbo said nothing more after that. Dwalin grinned with triumph and walked off into the night.

A fair way down the path they would take come morning, Dwalin began to ready his trap. For it was a trap, just not the type he let Bilbo think it was. Smiling evilly to himself, Dwalin tugged on the last knot.

"That should do it," he said to no one in particular before beginning his journey back to where the camp was stationed.

The warrior spent the rest of his watch brooding over what had been done to him, soon changing over with Bifur and Bofur. That night he slept soundly, knowing what was in stall for those he sought to get revenge on and pleased with what would happen.

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When the company woke that morning, Dwalin was the one to douse the remanets of the fire, Fili and Kili clearing up their bedding beside him.

"Now be sure to distract your uncle," he whispered to them from the corner of his mouth. They both nodded, eager to see what the grown dwarf had planned for their uncle.

_If only they knew_, Dwalin chortled to himself.

The company started off on the next part of their journey, Thorin walking in front, Fili and Kili chatting avidly away at his sides just as Dwalin had planned. Bofur and Balin walked behind the trio, passing banter between themselves as the rest of the company quietly speculated about how Dwalin would get his king back for setting Fili and Kili on him. There were many suggestions, but none of them were right and they steadily grew more and more ridiculous. Everything from putting ants in Thorin's bedroll to drenching him in water just as Fili and Kili had done to the bald dwarf before passed from lip to lip, and Thorin was acutely aware of this, but with both his nephews chatting in each ear, was unable to keep a proper lookout for things that might spark his suspicion.

Things went wrong for the dwarf, however, when the three leading the rag-tag group had almost reached his set up from the night before.

"Didn't you say that you wanted to check some traps you made?" Bilbo asked, suddenly remembering what the warrior had said as he left Bilbo alone on watch. Dwalin all but sent the hobbit an evil eye, but the being ignored him and continued on, "Unless you were planning your come back for Thorin."

Fili and Kili stopped talking long enough to glance back at Dwalin and the hobbit who was now cowering behind Bombur, allowing Thorin a brief respite from them. In that time, the exiled king looked down and almost jumped a league as he stumbled back from a loop of rope that had been placed before his feet.

Thorin knocked into both Fili and Kili, the brothers falling back, only to watch in astonishment as Thorin went up, foot caught in another trap that had been aimed at one of his nephews. Dwalin smiled slightly, glad at his success, but disappointed the two who had wreaked havoc on him the day before had escaped punishment. This smile was lost, however, as two more dwarves joined a shocked and enraged Thorin dangling from a tree.

"DWALIN!" Balin yelled, his face dwelled red with rage. Beside him, Bofur continued talking as if nothing had happened, clutching his hat to his head.

"As I was saying," the toymaker informed the angered dwarf beside him, "I highly doubt that your brother will manage pulling off something against Fili and Kili. They're too smart to miss a joke aimed at them, or anyone real-"

"IF YOU DO NOT GET ME DOWN THIS MINUTE WE WILL BE HAVING STEWED DWALIN FOR DINNER!" Balin continued bellowing, scaring the birds out of a nearby tree. Thorin just swung back and forth, his face a mask of bitter resentment and calculated planning.

The rest of the company tried hard to gasp for air as they rolled on the ground in laughter.

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**Not the best (I am no good at writing this sort of thing), but hopefully you git a few laughs. Review please?**


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